Jim

10:20am: Lavorare non ha mai ucciso nessuno ma perche rischiare?

4:22pm: Top Model premiere's tomorrow Weds at 8pm on the CW. Finally see where I was back in May =) I worked on this first episode and then the last four (which are abroad -- to air sometime in Nov/Dec.) See pics from my adventures at:

http://picasaweb.google.com/jimalbarano/TM9

More on Top Model at:

http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model

1:49pm: I am now a puddle.
A message left by Darren Hayes on my myspace comments:

Apart from being adorable you are criminally single and I'm going to start an online fever to find you a suitor.
Let the games begin!
Darren Hayes to approve all suitable applicants.. hehe..
Lovely to meet you finally.
And thanks again for your kindness.
xD


http://www.myspace.com/maxambivalence

edit:

OMG he even gave me a shoutout in his blog. http://www.myspace.com/darrenhayes

I'm dying. DYING. The ULTIMATE fan experience!

3:42am: All Smiles
Went to Darren Hayes's concert tonight (Savage Garden) and heard his most amazing new material that includes "How to Build a Time Machine" "Me Myself and I" and "Words" I'm still tingling. I danced and teared up. And I hugged Darren Hayes tonight. Now I must melt. That is all.

7:38am: A bit extreme, but still thought provoking...
Imagine a world in which generations of human beings come to believe that
certain films were made by God or that specific software was coded by him.
Imagine a future in which millions of our descendants murder each other
over rival interpretations of Star Wars or Windows 98. Could anything --
anything -- be more ridiculous? And yet, this would be no more ridiculous
than the world we are living in. -Sam Harris, author (1967- )

8 more days of hell.

9:51pm: Kick ass or insane?
Or both. I'm posting this, so I can go back and reread years from now and think WHAT THE FUCK.

I booked 13 flights, 6 hotels and cars in 4 different cities. Today. In one day. And all this travel only covers the next three days. I'm waiting for someone to wind up in the wrong city, hell its bound to happen. On Monday, I gotta be booking more...


SOUTHWEST/JENZ, MON JAN 15 LV LAX 1:55PM, AR PDX 5PM
SOUTHWEST/BONNEKAMP, MON JAN 15 LV LAX 1:55PM, AR PDX 5PM

PORTLAND HOTEL: PHOENIX INN 2 ROOMS, 2 NIGHTS
--

SOUTHWEST/JENZ, WED JAN 17 LV PDX 7:30AM, AR DTW 6:05PM
SOUTHWEST/BONNEKAMP, WED JAN 17 LV PDX 7:30AM, AR DTW 6:05PM

DETROIT HOTEL: HOLIDAY INN EXP STES ALLEN PRK 2 ROOMS, 2 NIGHTS
--

UNITED/WEBSTER, SAT JAN 13, LV SJC 2:09PM, AR DEN 5:37PM
SOUTHWEST/LEE, SAT JAN 13, DEPART SJC 2:55PM, ARRIVE SJC 3:55PM
UNITED/CHANDLER, SUN JAN 14, LV BUR 2:10PM, AR DEN 5:17PM

BOULDER HOTEL: BOULDERADO 1 ROOM 3 NIGHTS WEBSTER, 1 ROOM 2 NIGHTS CHANDLER
--

NORTHWEST***/SUN YU, SUN JAN 14 DEPART LGA 12:37PM, ARRIVE DTW 2:33PM
SPIRIT***/DEJOSEPH, SUN JAN 14 DEPART TPA 11AM, ARRIVE DTW 1:35PM

MARIGOLD LODGE 1/14-1/16 5 ROOMS, 2 NIGHTS
HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS 1/16-1/17 5 ROOMS, 1 NIGHT
--

DELTA/SUBHANKAR, SAT JAN 13, ABQ 6:56PM > FAI 8:03AM (SUN)
DELTA/SUBHANKAR, FRI JAN 19, FAI 9:40PM > ABQ 10:07AM (SAT)

ALASKA/NEWMAN CHAS, SUN JAN 14, DEPART ANC 11AM, ARRIVE FAI 12PM
ALASKA/NEWMAN CHAS, FRI JAN 19, DEPARTFAI 5:11PM, ARRIVE ANC 6:16PM

PRINCESS LODGES, 4 ROOMS 1 NIGHT

LANDSMAN ROUNDTRIP TO FAIRBANKS
BROWN ROUNDTRIP TO FAIRBANKS

7:32pm: Because I have to count...
I finally got one of my PA's out of this hell hole. He was hired on as a travel coordinator on another show, one that has 6 coordinators for 6 six cities...each one handles one city.

I, on the other hand, am the one coordinator solely reponsible for all flights, hotels and cars and rendevouz info for anyone and anything traveling on this show. So I need to count the cities now.

MARFA, TX
FORT COLLINS, CO
SANTA CRUZ, CA
PHILADELPHIA, PA
SAN FRANCISCO, CA
NEW YORK, NY
REDWOOD, CA
ZEELAND, MI
BOULDER, CO
FAIRBANKS, AK
PORLAND, OR
LAWRENCE, KS
DEARBOUNE, MI
TOWNAGE, OH
TRENTON, NJ
ALTA, UT
CHARLESTON, WV
FRESON, CA

People:
MARK
SANDY
EMMA
FRANKIE
KYUNG
ULLI
CALEN
PATTI
SAM
GRAHAM
CHAS

Damn. In three weeks. THREE WEEKS. And I'm only a few days into the hell.

1 coordinator, 18 cities, 11 people.

10:19pm: I just had to lay off three people.

On Dec 22.

God this show sucks.

4:19am: i wanna scream
if you ever wonder what exactly i do, or why i am currrently working 14 hours a day. the next three days:

Frank, Ivan, Juan, Kelly, John, Jeff, Tim and Daniel:

SAT DEC 16

In Portland, Kyung, Ulli and crew will follow call sheet instructions. Distributed and faxed.

In New York, Mark and gear will be picked up at 3PM by Juan and Kelly. Juan will drive the gear van, Kelly will drive the second mini van with Mark. After Mark and gear is dropped off at the airport both mini-vans will be returned to enterprise and the PA's are wrapped.

In LA morning, Frank and Lonestar will meet at HPC at 6:30AM, load gear and meet crew on set at 7:30AM. Follow call sheet info.

In LA evening, crew will wrap and meet back at the office and unload the red camera package. Ivan takes the cargo van to the airport to pickup Mark and blue camera package. Lonestar goes over the red package from the LA shoot and the blue package from NYC. The red package is prepared for Monday's shoot and loaded into the van. All of Mark's tapes immediately go to post, left on the AE desk in room 102.

SUN DEC 17

In Portland, Kyung, Ulli and crew will follow call sheet instructions, PLEASE NOTE WHETHER TO FOLLOW PLAN A OR PLAN B ON CALL SHEETS. All have been faxed to the hotel.

LA, dark.

NYC, no crews.


MON DEC 18

In LA morning, crew meets and follows call sheet instructions.

In Portland, Kyung and Ulli wrap by 10AM, John and Jeff drive them to their hotel, they check out, and Jeff and John drop them off at the airport by 12noon. Kyung pays for Ulli's baggage fees and Ulli flies to OAK, Kyung to BUR.

In Oakland, Tim and Daniel meet Ulli at the airport, load the baggage into a Enterprise mini-van reserved at OAK under 378433, Tim drives Ulli to hotel, Daniel drives his car to hotel. After gear is unloaded, both PA'S are wrapped until Weds.

In Burbank, Kyung gets picked up by local PA at 4:30PM.

--jim

11:16pm: NYC this week
I'm gonna be in NYC Sat-Weds...who's gonna be around to see?

6:03pm: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get
better. It's not. -Dr. Seuss, author and illustrator (1904-1991)

11:38pm: WTF 1101
The super-awesome office building manager and myself have a running bit based on the Staples EASY button saying that we need at WTF button. For whatever reason, the show I am on has the highest level of insanity I have ever endured. Will I make it? Only time will tell. I have since started a WTF log of the most amazing moments from each day. Here is a backlog to catch you up:

10/20/2006
I receive an email requesting I remove the echo from the producers office. Remove the echo. Right.

10/23/2006
A producer requests that a PA investigates her car to learn how to turn down the radio volume. Its too loud for her to drive safely. Well, it is a rental car after all.

10/24/2006
I am asked to make sure to remove all the crickets from the office.

10/31/2006
A producer sends me an email asking how to use her email. Really.

11/1/2006
I am required to meet with a potential PA, even though there are no positions available. Politics. Upon inspection of the resume, under Professional Experience, under Acheivements, the first item listed is "the day I successfully painted a red bumper." Under Responsibilities, he lists "be on time, feed the dogs." Perhaps we can hire him to feed the crickets?

11:40pm: there is no feeling in the world more helpless then being 2,485 miles from home and having your mom in the hospital.

why must people get older?

12:34am: And I quote...
.
August 1, 2004
"I wonder where you got all your good energy. I finally saw it today in Amoeba. Everytime you pass a child, you hold on this little strand of energy that then follows you like a tail."

He smiled. I loved this smile. I want to tell him more. Suddenly I can see into his eyes, his smile, his soul.

"I can see your soul! It's beautiful! It's like a long tube of light with thousands of crystals branching off. Each branch is another person-path of energy attached to you."

I put my finger to his lips and told him, "I love you." "I know its not fair to say that, and I'll only ever do it once more when I'm sober."

But I suppose tonight still doesn't count, since I wasn't entirely sober. =)

1:53pm: Freude! Freude!
Was der Mode Schwert geteilt;
Bettler werden Fürstenbrüder

über'm Sternenzelt!

elysium

6:30pm: *smiles*
There is nothing like meeting up with my favorite crew, walking to the local sports pub Mulleady's, order a "big" Newcastle, only to get a 33 oz mug the size of my head, watching the Pirates lose miserably, being kicked out as soon as the game is over, stumbling over to Valentinas, having a greasy yet charming owner with a thick Italian accent order desserts for everyone, and then lose our shit on the dance floor where a 14 year old DJ is playing everything from a poorly mixed Hotel California to 50 Cent. This happens almost weekly...twice this week.

These are moments when I love my OC experience =)

12:38pm: I'm in a strange point in my life. I feel as though I might be changing chapters, but with no climaxes such as graduations or cross-country moves, it's tough to tell. Hell, I don't even have seasons.

Living in the OC was a lot different then I thought it would be. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always running out of groceries on one apartment or the other. I hate how my toilet in the OC has its flush handle on the front and my one in LA has it on the left. My ipod is never in the right place. And I'm tired of my OC roommate. Yeah, I'm meant to live alone.

But I'm happy. Really happy. This job has been great, and I'm shocked I only a few weeks left. For the first time since graduating, I'm financially stable. It's odd not having to worry about how I'm going to pay for rent. That means I have time on my hands to worry about other stuff. Jim stuff.

I'm not happy with who I am. What does that mean? I have no clue. I love my friends, I love my job, I love my life, I love LA. My career is headed exactly wehre I want it. I work hard, I party, I laugh. I am happy. But not with who I am. I guess its an identity thing, which only makes too much sense since its always an identity thing with me.

I'm starting to feel like a cantakerous old man. I don't care what people think. I never cared all that much, but now its quite a severe not-caring. I relinquish a lot. Two people in front of me will start having a huge theatre debate, and I'll walk away. A boy I'm interested in will start talking physics, and I'll play dumb. A random person will talk industry, and I'll stay mute. I have no desire to prove myself. I don't want to add to the conversation. I don't want to figuratively wave my arms and shout "I know what you are talking about and I have something to say!" I just don't care.

Passion. Where is my passion? I have no idea. I have lots of career passion, but the I miss the little stuff. I started noticing it particularly around Trent. He about lost his shit when we met Paula. Course he's like that when he most anybody, but this was his big 80s icon. Ok fine. That's cute. But what about me? Who could I possibly meet that would make me excited? Even outside the realm of Hollywood, is there anyone I would fall down to meet? Where is my youthful excitement? Am I passionate about anything? Sure, but usually these days, I just rollover. Maybe I need to take a class or something. I need a jolt.

I hadn't seem him for a little bit, so I stopped in to catch up. He's still quite cute and always makes me smile. Just when I was getting comfortable, I ask about his friend. He explains they are boyfriends now, which is amazing, cuz T has been afraid of the "b" word for like six years. In a very Sex-and-the-City type moment, I suddenly realized I had feelings. When we were together, which wasn't all the long in retrospect, I wanted him to be my boyfriend so badly. I knew he didn't/couldn't, so things just...ended. I had no idea I still had feelings until he said that he had boyfriend. What does that mean? Do I really have feelings for him or is it just residual emotion bubbling up from the past. Well, there's not much I can do anyway, other then post about on LJ where he'll most likely read it ;)

In other news, I continue to spend all my flirting energy with a super-cute boy who is has been happily married to his husband for two years. But he flirts back! Damn I need a healthy love interest.

Speaking of not dating, I'm developing the perfect date. In researching Catalina for the show, I've come to find that it is BEAUTIFUL. And get this, where as its $60 round-trip to get there by boat, its $150 roundtrip to go by helicopter. I've never been on a helicopter! So I want to have this super romantic day where we fly in a helicopter to Catalina, spa around, and boat back. Now I just need to start dating someone, cause this is certainly at least 3rd date material. =) http://www.catalina.com/

My mom on the phone last Sunday, "I was on YouTube the other day--have you seen that video of the guys on the treadmills?!" God I love my mom. YouTube! She's cooler then all of us.

I ordered new color contacts, which should fit well with my new color of hair I'm planning. You know I have to change my look after every show...only a few more weeks!

I may accidently be becoming a football fan. With the Steelers amazing season last year, I got a little sucked in. Now being the OC during the season kickoff, I've been watching a lot of games. Basically Saturday-Monday, all we have is football on in the office. I'm actually learning the background and crap, both in pro and college. Hmmm. Who the hell am I gonna watch it with when production ends? It's really cool tho. In fact, I kind feel like I missed out not watching when I was a youngin.

My new favorite show is Mythbusters. Those guys are so freakin cool.

Ok, back to being bored at the office on a Sunday...

7:39pm: i wish i could form a profound journal entry. i have many profound thoughts. bouncing around. but i have no one to sharpen them on. so i sit here, write dribble, and click delete.

6:27pm: who do i know who's a big south park fan?

10:36am: it's amazing what's free anymore
Can you believe they have face recognition software?? Not only that, but we're using it to our amusement. Gotta love the internet! Now how long before we can search myspace pics for look-a-likes. We can all find our doppelgangers!

2:32pm: in oberservation mode
i'm exhausted. i work hard, i play hard. and never sleep.

Last "weekend" was one of the best and most LA stylized yet. I had tuesday and wednesday off, and after 6 long days of working my ass off in orange county and not seeing anyone at all, i wanted the best. So tuesday i slept in until 11, went to have lunch with my good friend jeff who is also working on RHOC with me. YAY! the last time we worked together was IMAP, so lets hope this one turns out a bit better. After lunch, I picked up Trent and we went to get mani's and pedi's. It was THE best. We relaxed, read magazines, gossiped. Ah LA. Afterward we headed to the Beverly Center to shop and pick out new outfits for a GNS party we were attending. My first Playboy party, rock on...sadly tho, not at the mansion. But before we were finished buying pretty things, Joel and Benji from GC called Trent and wanted to have dinner at the Four Seasons. Does it get more LA then this? So we met them for a quick bite to eat and I was privy to some excellent thought provoking perspective.

Somehow Trent met their mom on some excursion, so the convo turned to family. Joel was talking about how his mom was supportive but always nervous about them taking the band seriously. And then when they dropped out of school she was very cautious, to which he explained "we're going to make it, just wait." He jokes that he says to her now, "see, when I say I'm going to do something, I do it." He was very humble, very honest, and proud that he had made it. And he did. It makes me tingle.

But everyone says that. Everyone. They all say they're going to make it. I say it. My friends say it. People who I think suck say it. Who actually makes it? Who? Here I am sitting at dinner with someone who did. Why? Why him? Was he more dedicated? More talented? I can't help but think of all my friends. Joel and Benji are such great guys, the could easily be in any one of my circle of friends. And here they are, chart toppers.

What is the anatomy of success?

What is success? How am I defining it? These are things to contemplate. It's not the money they've made, nor the albums, nor the fans. It's an intangible combination and their own self-fulfillment. Much to consider.

The next night I got to see Wes' 11 y/o son play Boq in Wicked. These junior high kids did the WHOLE production. It was so cute. You can actually learn a LOT about theatre from kids. A LOT. Because everything is pronounced...the little nuances everyone does become highlighted. I noticed for the first time that people prepare/setup/predict their lines with a brief moment before delivery. This distracts from realism, but given the right direction exemplifies melodramatic style. Nifty.

Anyway the whole production of Wicked was a bit longer then I expected a junior high musical to be, so I was a tad late for an emo concert for Snakes on a Plane. As I walk into the club, I am greeted with the opening bars of Sugar We're Going Down...FOB! Pete Wentz gives a great show =) I *LOVE* fall out boy! Afterward we were hanging with Pete and Michelle (I like drunk Michelle much better then sober Michelle and a hell of a lot better then on-screen Michelle.) Pete and his bandmates were quite physical with each other, at one point kissing each other on the cheek for pics. Dude what's with these emo boys being so homoerotic? It makes me tingle.

But this was a different success. Again, can't put my finger on it, but this arena was not as satifying or as stable. Perhaps it was just the atmosphere. These kids were young, maybe too young? What happens when you are exposed to so much attention in such formative years? I can't connect at all with them.

On the way home, we stopped by another club to attend a bday party for Howie from the BSB. I got to meet four of the band members, but I couldn't care less. Yeah, I danced to them in high school. But they faded into the background. And here I am looking at...what? Post-success? They didn't fall from the spotlight, I think they stepped out of it. Is that what everyone wants? 15 minutes? But then what? And what was it all for? Self-satifaction?

extreme people watching = jim's in data heaven =)

Those were my crazy fun days off. Then back to the OC. But I came again on Saturday for Davy's bday. He wanted to see Rocky Horror at the Nuart. YAY! I had gone several times in college, always with jesuispeure. It made me think of her and miss the good ole days. Nostalgia. It was a fascinating personal experience for me. Rocky Horror meant something completely different to me five years ago, when I was living in a conservative and sexually repressed environment. Revisiting the Nuart made me realized how much I've changed and how far I've gone. But to where? Especially in my perspectives. A fresh coat of paint covered up a few memories from that old theatre. I even had to walk away a bit, look back, and reflect. What a journey life is!

Ok this is long. Terminate.

4:50pm: THE ULTIMATE QUOTE
I was laying on the beach on Thursday, soaking up the sun, and enjoying life. The freelance life. Some rollerblading, maybe lunch with friends, shopping. No responsibility. The LA life. Over the crash of the waves, the boys playing volleyball, and my ipod, I could still hear my phone ring. "Can you start tomorrow?"

I'm now employed on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

I'd rather be at the beach. But I love the company I'm at, and the people (so far). We start filming in August, at which point I move to Orange County for two months. I've always wanted to travel for work ;)

Not to be stopped by new employment, Davy and I headed to Vegas this weekend to see Elton John's show at Caesars. It was AMAZING. Every song was accompanied by a BRILLIANT film by David LaChapelle -- I am now in love with that man.

Afterward, Davy and I hit gay Vegas, to once again be quite disappointed. So we drank and drank and taxi'ed back to the hotel. I may have been a bit too drunk and while Davy was in the shower, I ordered a stripper. Davy was FURIOUS. But before said stripper was to show up, the phone rings. "My best guy is out of town, and I can get a hold of my other guy." I was sad. But the lovely lady was not to give up, and in a very business-like tone, she tried to save the sale.

"May I interest you in a transexual?"

I politely declined. And promptly fell alseep. At 3:30AM the phone rings, "Hello, my stripper is in the lobby and security won't let him up. Can you go down and get him?" Now I was mad. I explained that we cancelled the stripper when she couldn't get a hold of him. "But I did get a hold of him now, and he's in the lobby." I said no thanks and she kept pushing and I hung up. I was now too sober to think spending $275 was reasonable for stripping.

Moral of the story: Next time I'm shopping around before ordering, and I will pre-warn my friends that I WILL be getting a stripper...hey I have to try it just once!

1:34am: Of all the people to trip on my foot....
Last Wednesday, there was a last minute meeting at 4pm. All staff, mandatory. I saw it coming. My untitled ABC eBay show was cancelled, 1 day before I sent off the truck to shoot the series. The freaking truck that stressed me out and kept me up at night. Now all stress was gone and over 60 people were out of work. Myself, on the the other hand, will have three weeks to clean up the mess.

YAY! I get my summer back and get to go home for Lorraine's wedding!

After doing three tons of paperwork at the office (so many bills to pay), blondie said he wanted to meet for coffee. "I've had some stuff on my mind." Yeah, he ended things. What? Doesn't he know I'm the one who ends?? I'm sad because I really liked him and really wanted it to work out. But I'm not angry, he was very open, honest and mature. That's why I fell for him. We'll stay friends. Sigh.

To distract myself from the disappointment, I picked up Davy and headed to a Nylon party. Time to be plastic! With Trent's hookup, I was on the top of the list and we were immediately in the door. Free drinks! "Where's Trent?" "He's standing next to Iceman." I love Davy. So yeah, we saw iceman and his twin, dawn, princess fiona, good charlotte, among others. And then Justin Timberlake tripped on my foot, grabbed my arm for support, looked me in the eye and said "sorry."

I'm not sure if that makes me more fictional or him more real.

I suppose it's all a matter of perspective. I left early to sulk.
--

7:14am: The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.
-Hannah Arendt, historian and philosopher (1906-1975)

8:22pm: Minerva Hamilton Hoyt
I ran away from home late Friday night. Drove a couple of hours east, and went to find new parts of myself and the world. Joshua Tree. A weekend of reflection. It was truly amazing. I saw incredible rock formations, fast little critters, an abandoned gold mine, a billion cacti. Everything was so beautiful and I got to think. Really think. And deeply journal. I am happy.

I happened upon Joshua Tree during two great events...the 48th Annual Turtle Days and an edgy art exibit called High Desert Test Sites. So the quiet town was full of hippie, arty, geeky folks. I loved it, but was not to be distracted. So I caught a few art sites (spread miles apart in the middle of desert!), hiked miles away from laughter and stress, hid behind some rocks, and thought. This also incidently made me reconsider Art. New thoughts developing.



On of my favorite moments was in Pioneer Town (what an odd place). A fake ghost-town, completely deserted, I wandered for a few hours alone. Eventually I came across a strange looking lady and an old man,

"Are 'dem yer mules up there?"
"Uh...what?"
"Those yer mules?"
I point to my car, "No, I drove."
"You shure?"
"Yeah."
"Alright then," as if she still didn't believe me. You got me lady, I'm sneaking mules into Pioneertown, disguised as a misguided city boy.

I heard the silence of age old rocks, the song of the pinyon pine, and the wings of soaring birds. The fresh air and sun did me well. Now back to regularly scheduled life...

7:51pm: I NEED A RECEPTIONIST ASAP!!
Why is it so hard to find someone?!? If you know anyone in the LA area looking for work, lemme know!

2:23pm: It's fun to be invisible...
So I downloaded the new AIM and now I'm invisible! Muhaahhahah

Josh played some Cat Stevens in the office...
         Trouble oh trouble set me free
         I have seen your face
         And it's too much for me
         Trouble oh trouble can't you see
         You're eating my heart away
         And there's nothing left of me

Gina: Is the name of that song Trouble?
Josh: I dunno, lemme check--
Jim: Yeah, its Trouble! I used to have a bike named Trouble and this was his theme song!
Gina: You don't hear that everyday.

And what happens when super-horny Jim goes to a bar full of hott strippers? Lots of dollar bills and lots of TROUBLE. Hehe. But I got some fun out of my system. Now back to my regularly scheduled sanity...

12:24pm: A Hollywood Story (Trent is back)
Friday night, I pick up Trent. With in ten seconds, "What are you doing for lunch tomorrow?" No plans. "Good. Are you free tomorrow night too? You're gonna be my date to the GLADD Awards." So we grabbed dinner with Davy, dropped his stuff, and hit Popstarz. The music was uber-fun. Good times.

Saturday we went to lunch with Michelle Trachtenburg. Trent raved about being a Buffy fan, we talked about Eurotrip (yay!), Mysterious Skin, and gained new perspective on being a teenage actress. I had no idea, but all the 'it' girls grew up together; we heard stories of how she knew Lindsay, Hilary, Mischa since she was like 8. Showbiz moms sound insane. During lunch, her super-hot boyfriend Shawn Ashmore called. "Honey I told you I was at lunch. Hey, Trent is here, you HAVE to talk to him!" She hands the phone over. Surreal. I swear she was more giddy about meeting Trent then he was meeting her.

Then we rushed off to the Beverly Center to find Trent an outfit for the GLAAD awards. With only two hours, I think we did pretty good. And in an unprecedented ghetto move, we changed in the parking structure and headed off to the Kodak Theatre for the VIP celeb reception.

Pics will be up soon at http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/

Gay people were everywhere! And they were hot. I ran into Erwin duckamuck, who I hadn't seen for WAY TOO LONG. YAY! And then I ran into Devon, aka Prince Charming, also someone I hadn't seen for WAY TOO LONG! Great times! Larry Grimaldi was also there...but...well... he's everywhere. But it was great knowing people so that for once I didn't feel like a tagalong.

The show was AMAZING. It was the most inspirational night of my life; I had never felt more proud to be gay. There were amazing speeches by Melissa Etheridge, Charlize Theron, producers from Will & Grace, the president of Glaad, etc. So much support for GLBT community in one place, so many people being internationally vocal. I kept tearing up, quite emotional. There was a superhott Zumanity performance, which vindicated that the man-on-man action had been cut when I saw it in Vegas. Then when Transgeneration won for best documentary, TJ thanked everyone on behalf of the cast. Then he got down on one knee, on the Kodak Stage in front of thousands, and asked his girlfriend to marry him. I literally burst out crying. It was the sweetest most romantic thing I ever witnessed. Go trans!

The after-show VIP dinner was awesome too. We were sitting at the Motorola table and who should be seated next to Trent but Alexis Arquette. No sooner had she introducer herself to us, Patricia Arquette sits down next to me and introducers herself. Alexis mentions its Patricia's birthday and we toast to the occasion. How did we get here again?

After dinner, we met up with Devon again and went over to hang with the Project Runway peeps at the Bravo table. Santino immediately recognized Trent and chatted him up. Tim Gunn was super-sweet. Andre, Nick and Santino wanted to drag Tim to HotDog, so we all headed to club 7969. But Tim wussed out :( Still fun was had even tho it was WAY too crowded. The evening ended at 2AM, which seemed early, but gosh darnit I was exhausted from a long day.

This was suppose to be a low key visit! Trent brings so much craziness in my life...and now he's moving here?!?! One of these we will start apartment hunting like we planned...

10:25pm: Answer?
O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities fill'd with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light--of the objects mean--of the struggle ever renew'd;
Of the poor results of all--of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest--with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring--What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here--that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
--Walt Witman

I finally watched Dead Poets Society. Inspired at first, and then left with a empty dose of reality. What am I doing? Life just doesn't seem to be clicking.

And I will contribute a verse?

There only remains a cold lonely Echo.

3:49pm: http://www.heygayeric.com/

6:38pm: crazy bitch
This workday is terribly slow.

I've been wiggin out emotionally lately. No, I don't know what that means, but I seem to over-react to everything. Is it stress? Ha! Nope. As I predicted, now that I have a job and a steady income, I'm thinking too much. Much too much. It was much easier to be oblivious when all I could think about was how the hell am I gonna pay rent.

Now I'm thinking about friends, love (lack thereof), babies, five year plans...you know the weighty stuff. Where am I going and am I on the right path?

I finally watched Clueless this weekend. You're about to kill me, but I sure didn't like it. The story was awful! Maybe it's my deeply rooted annoyance with Jane Austen (I'd rather watch paint dry), but I just didn't give a flying fart about any of those characters. Bear in mind that I LOVE Legally Blond and Mean Girls, both extremely well-written and witty, and let's face it, the same exact movie as Clueless. Besides a few great one-liners, I was quite disappointed with Cher and her world of luxury.

I think I might be straight.

*yawn*

In the last week, I think I've managed to piss off three different friends due to my insane lack of memory. It's amazing how forgetfulness can get you into so much trouble. Oy.

Can you believe it's gonna be April? T-dog is coming for a long weekend, and the J-dog is coming the day he leaves for 10 days. I'm never gonna have my apartment to myself again! Eh, I think it'll be fun.

Remember the huge plant that arrived last week from 1-800-FLOWERS? It's dying. Now the office manager is making it very clear that "she doesn't do plants" and that if you get a plant, it's your own responsibilty. The receptionist yells, "it's dying!" Two of the partners try to resuscitate by flooding it with water. It's crazy here.


Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
--Buckcherry, Crazy Bitch

6:59pm: Truly, Madly Completely
Dinner with Jordan and Jared was great, yummy steak. Jordan lent me Savage Garden's latest compilation, ie, Darren Hayes market ploy to gain cross-over fans. The "B Sides" should have been left in A&R to rot, HOWEVER, I stumbled upon Break Me Shake Me which must have been a single I somehow missed. It's my new favorite song!

So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

HOTT. Darren Hayes, you were *so* close to being my Rob Thomas.

Lauren had an impromtu bday game night and I played Jenga for the first time. I don't have the nerve for that game!

Shannon called last night and had an extra ticket to see Buckcherry so I randomly met up with her at the Whiskey. All I have to say is:



ALL NIGHT LONG. Excellent music, excellent show!

Afterward we hit the Marquee and hung out with a bunch of music types. Damn I miss musicians! The conversations were so...sex drugs rock-n-roll. I had a blast escaping my world into the clubby life of Sunset. Shannon was tired and has a show tonight, so we turned in early--at 3AM. How do they live like that? I'm such a sleepy head.

Today was not that good of a day, but I survived.

One thing brightened my day. My runner found a friend in the elevator and brought her in to say hi to one of the EPs. Cory introduces me, "this is Amy," she's sweet girl he knew from 8 Simple Rules. She leaves and I turn to Cory, "so was she a runner or something?" He stares at me like I have four heads, laughs, and realizes I was serious. "She played Kerry." I still have no idea what he's talking about. "She's an actress." Oops. She was ON the show. "The red head." Like I ever watched 8 Simple Rules?

Ok, need to go meet up with Davy for dinner. I have a bad case of the caffine swirls.

7:42pm: !!!!!!!!!
Shannon just called me!! I haven't seen her in FOREVER! She's playing a show at the Mint on Wednesday. She ROCKS...if you like chick rockers you need to see this show!!

http://www.myspace.com/shannoncurfman

4:40pm: =)
http://www.cowabduction.com/

I love where marketing is heading.

9:10pm: My Gay Heritage
In my many odd jobs of the last few months, the latest was working on the DVD re-release of Valley of the Dolls. BEST MOVIE EVER. I had never seen it, but instantly fell in love. Such memorable lines, great performances, unforgettable music. Damn!

The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that's ME, baby, remember?

More importantly was randomly falling onto a classic gay cult film. We interviewed dozen of gay men, drag queens, afficianados on their reactions to the movie. And my eyes opened. I remember the first drag show I saw; it was in Key West. The performers would do all the classics: Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, Joan Crawford, etc. But I just didn't get it. I grew up in the age of Britney and Madonna and a little left over Cher. So these classic names never clicked for me.

You know how bitchy fags can be!

Then I met Valley. I was instantly introduced to the amazing stars and stories of Judy Garland, Ethel Merman, the circles of Jackie Susann, etc. I became swept up in the 1960s. I understand pill-popping, Pucci dresses, divas beyond compare. I mean the real life stories, oh the STORIES...how can you not fall in love with these wild personalities, these ICONS?? And what they all meant to gay men in a closeted world.

Ted Casablanca is NOT a fag... and I'm the dame who can prove it.

In one interview, a man made reference to Judy's death inciting Stonewall. What, what, what? I was confused and immediately wikipedia'd. The phrase "friend of Dorothy," the 12,000 gay men at Judy's funeral in 1969, the gay husbands. Everything started to tie together. And she died 4 days before Stonewall. Sure wikipedia discredits the connection as sycronicity, but I assert it's a pretty strong correlation.

I have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and SPARKLE, Neely, SPARKLE!

I used to see an old queen, martini in one hand, cigarette in another, laughing a bit too loud at some drag act. I would just shake my head, 'I don't get it.' But I do now. And I have a much deeper appreciation of those who went before me. I respect that I never had to whisper about homosexuality. I never had a lack of labels to choose from. I never had to dig deep to find accepting role models. That wasn't always the case. And thanks to my gay-forefathers, doors have been opened. Kudos!

You've got to climb Mount Everest to reach the Valley of the Dolls.

So when Valley comes out...I'm having a party and introduce the next generation to the classic diva.

11:15pm: Let us face a pluralistic world in which there are no universal churches, no single remedy for all diseases, no one way to teach or write or sing, no magic diet, no world poets, and no chosen races, but only the wretched and wonderfully diversified human race.
-Jacques Barzun, professor and write

10:39pm: un-appraisable
Why not be honest?

Because there is an aura to maintain. The grace of God will not lead you where the will of God will not keep you. Somehow that just doesn't seem to ring true. If I step back, I mean really step back, the last few years have been quite un-appraisable. And I have...stepped back. Several times over. I rolled down a grassy hill, finally grabbing hold onto a particular rung called Pepperdine.

For three weeks, I worked in the scene shop at Pepperdine, building a monsterous set for the opera. Master Carpenter...how butch is that? You should see the walls that Jim built. I built things!, played with power tools, connected with students, lunched with professors. Talked about witty, intelligent things that collegiates take for granted. I was able to visit academia, appreciating the ivory, unchained to the tower. And in an odd twist of pre-meditated life-lesson, fond memories from years gone by visited. Amanda came, followed by Lee, by Corey, by Mischa. Almost precisely maintaining the three week arc of my returning to Malibu's prettiest university. My past surrounded me.

The next logical step? New Wave. Yes, fate whisked me away again and I began working at New Wave today, seven months later returning my start in entertainment. Not much has changed -- and the pay still sucks. This time its only a two week gig (or is it?) but still, memory lane extends itself. Looking at those who influenced me, led me, taught me (often what not to do), etc.

So what's up? Huh, universe? Something about "knowing where you came from before you move forward?" I strive to assign meaning. Why am I bouncing aimlessly from the bottom up? It's a bit different. I have perspective. On me, my life, my path. Everything is suddenly converted to a stepping stone. Nothing permanent, no one stays around forever.

The lesson.

Nobody truly knows who I am. Or what I am capable of. No one era of my life translate to any other. AT ALL. I am multifaceted, multidimensional, and therefore entirely alone. Every experience I bring from one chapter to the next only remains in me, yet does not define me. A memory is a window, a smell, a marble...but not a tool.

No matter how much I burn with passion that friends of different eras would LOVE each other, most likely, they will never meet. There is no crossover, no magic force, a chance meeting would not be sustained. It's not just geographical, its emotional. Suzie Q will think Bobby L is adorable, but they just won't ever get how much they have in common. Just a bizarre phenomenon I just picked up on.

The pain.

I was crushed this weekend. Another great job interview, nail on the head, loved my resume, my credits, my reference. But then they went with someone who is a level above me that stepped down. The message? "You are EXCELLENT...but sorry...just not good enough." And so life continues. I feel like I am stuck in traffic, hitting every goddamn red light between here and my destination. My resolve is stronger then ever, thankfully, but give me a freakin break already!

So it changes. On the bad days, my life is a mess. On the good days, I'm having a blast toying around in every arena. But its tough. I know I need to worry about more then just my career. But how do I find a hobby when I'm so damn concerned with paying the electric bill? And don't even bat your eyelashes at me, cuz I'm more likely to punch you. Dating costs money, and I need a life, not a lover.

3:58pm: Steelers are goin to the Super Bowl!!
The Steelers head to Detroit for Super Bowl XL by knocking off the Broncos 34-17 today in the AFC Championship Game.

7:15pm: Impressed
Because one day he's going to open up a bottle of white wine for you, when you prefer red. Because you never told him. Because he's not right for you.
--Scrubs, JD to Elliot

Why everyone should have a bit more Bill Lawrence in their lives.

6:02pm: Matcha and Mochi!
I headed to Lil' Tokyo for the second time this week. This time there was no comedy, but a mission: to find red bean paste, mochiko and matcha. Can you say Mochi?! YAY. Amanda is coming to town and we're going to have an evening of tea and mochi making merriment. I had some tea today to get in the mood and yum...it's been much too long. I miss chado terribly; it left quite the whole in my heart. I suppose I should be more proactive about classes, but alas, such things cost money.

Una dia...

11:08pm: And, no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels.
Best performances ever.

Go Julianne Moore!

Fuck you, too. Don't call me "lady". I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions. I'm sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life? "What's wrong?" Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where's your fucking decency? And then I'm asked fucking questions. What's... wrong? You suck my dick. That's what's wrong. And you, you fucking call me "lady"? Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.

Before there was I Heart Huckabees, there was Magnolia.

Once again, Netflix is 100% in picking films that I will enjoy. And thanks to PT for introducing me to Charles Fort. Hmmm...

"But my liveliest interest is not so much in things, as in relations of things. I have spent much time thinking about the alleged pseudo-relations that are called coincidences. What if some of them should not be coincidence?"
--Charles Fort

And perhaps his best:

"If there is a universal mind, must it be sane?"

10:21pm: ImaginAsian!
An actor and hilarious stand-up comedian, I had worked with Dr. Ken on the Damon Wayans pilot, not to mention he's repped by NWE. I was thrilled to get an evite to his performance at "Comedy Zen," a new show for a new cable channel. The name of the channel? Ready? You sure? ImaginAsian: For everything Asian. If you're like me, you think the word looks goofy. It does. But say it outloud. No, really. Say it. ImaginAsian. It still makes me giggle =)

So Davy and I headed on down to Little Tokyo for the an interesting evening. The show was fun, irreverent, and Davy and I were like the two white guys (I was thankful when some black dudes sat near us so we didn't feel quite as out of place). Anywho, the comedy was great (boy I miss seeing more standup!) and was certainly something different from a usual Sunday night. Or any night for that matter.

Now on to Monday...

6:03pm: Steelers kick ass!
The Steelers came from behind to defeat the Cincinnati Bengals, 31-17, and advance to play the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Divisional playoffs.

http://media3.steelers.com/

4:52pm: amore mio
Amor, ch'al cor gentil ratto s'apprende
prese costui de la bella persona
che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.

Amor, ch'a nullo amato amar perdona,
mi prese del costui piacer si forte,
che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona.

Amor condusse noi ad una morte.

12:59am: Ummmmm....

I dunno. I honestly don't. The best explanation I can come up with is that I have much too much time on my hands. I've always over-thought things, now I am drowning in a whirlwind of circular logic. I have no stress or conflict in my daily routine, so I'm creating it. Which makes me even more curious to over analyze myself. My head hurts.

Damn I need a freakin job ASAP.

To make things worse, my friends dragged me to see Hostel. I don't think I'll ever be the same. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Hold me!

2:41pm: "The love which rewrites history."
The story will come.

10:34pm: When asked how to avoid the temptation to lust of the flesh, Diogenes began masturbating. When rebuked later about it, he replied "If only I could soothe my belly by rubbing it."

In another account, Alexander the Great found the philosopher rummaging through a pile of human bones. Diogenes explained, "I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave."

When Plato gave the definition of man as "a two-footed, featherless animal;" and was much praised for the definition; so Diogenes plucked a cock and brought it into Plato's school, and said, "This is Plato's man." After this incident the addition "with broad flat nails" was made to Plato's definition.

--Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_of_Sinope

8:45pm: I HEART HUCKABEES
I don't know how I keep stumbling onto such amazing films, but I Heart Huckabees DAMN!

Double DAMN!

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

Remember, I'm the one who wrote an entire journal entry on "my rock." How could I not LOVE this film? The jabs at French philosophy, the insanity of overthinking, the need for praxis. All the silly, and how the hell did they get that cast?! Wow.

--

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.

Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?

Albert Markovski: Everything.

Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.

Albert Markovski: Everything.

Mrs. Hooten: Nothing.

Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.

Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

--

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.

Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!

Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!

Tommy Corn: It's amazing!

Albert Markovski: I know.

Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.

10:08pm: So, when an avalanche bears down a mountain-forest, twings and bushes suffer with the trees, and all perish together.
--Dickens, Dombey and Son

I've been reading Dombey after my little sister, who I only recently learned is also a huge Dickens fan, refered to it as her favorite. I must say the characters are unparalleled in their humor, pain and originality, not to mention the story gains by leaps and bounds every few chapters. My goodness Captain Cuttle, the Toodles, Nipper, Florence! And although he's got quite a battle, Walter Gay is presently making a play to surpass Pip in my own personal top ten characters. And Captain Cuttle has wedged his way into my heart. Quite the cast!

"Papa, what's money?"

I really need to take a course on Dickens. After learning of the letter below, I think I fell in love with the man.

On January 14, 1847, Dickens finished the chapter of Dombey and Son in which young Paul dies. In a note to Angelea Burdette Courtts, Dickens writes, "Between ourselves-- Paul is dead. He died on Friday night about 10 o'clock, and as I had no hope of getting to sleep afterwards, I went out, and walked about Paris until breakfast time the next morning."

To imagine the thoughtful author, wandering the silent streets of Paris, quieted by the loss of a character...

10:52pm: Alone in the wood.
The tear falls silently, disturbing the still water, shattering his reflection. Beauty dissolves into an array of flesh colors swimming. An Echo is heard, breaking the silence.

The story will come.